


The Priests and the Wedding Vows

by TheBreadWitch



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossdressing, F/M, M/M, Nygmobblepot, Wedding, bruce and jerome are teens, bruce cross dresses, complete and utter crack, doesn't make sense, gotham ver of my bts fanfic, valeyne - Freeform, wedding vows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 16:59:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19795126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBreadWitch/pseuds/TheBreadWitch
Summary: Three cracked up weddings. Nuff said.





	The Priests and the Wedding Vows

**Author's Note:**

> Gotham version of my BTS fanfic. It was written at like 5am so don't expect anything to make sense.

**Ed & Oswald**

Today was the day Oswald and Ed were getting married. They were excited and so were the rest of their friends. Friends from their underground club, friends from their childhood, all of them. They had a small hall booked for the wedding, balloons everywhere, music was baring through the speakers, elegant table and chairs, and a very questionable priest.

The moment the Priest had walked in, everyone’s eyes were on him, the hall going completely quiet. The priest looked like a child, an emo child raised by a witch. His hair was black and his bangs fluffed, black eyeliner coated thickly around his eyes. He wore a black robed full sleeved dress that fell to his knees where his black boots came up till. The boy was holding a leather book of shadows with the pentagram engraved on the front cover. Three necklaces rested on his chest; one was a moon, the other a pentacle and the last was the symbol that represented the element, fire.

“So, shall we start the vows?” He questioned with a small smile. His voice was playful and held a hint of amusement in it. His question snapped everyone out of their judgmental moments, Oswald and Ed immediately stood infront of the altar and the priest.

“Welcome fuckers and holy trinities, it is now time for me to introduce the fantabulous, fun-fest Water Party- wait….SELINA! THESE ARE THE WRONG CUE CARDS!!” He suddenly shouted. A tiny girl with fluffy hair wearing a unicorn onesie walked up to him with a pile of cue cards.

“Thank you Selina...Now, Aight so, We’re all gathered here today because the swagalicious Oswald Cobblepot decided that his life would be better if he spent the rest of his youthful years with the very cool ass hoe here known as...Yedward Nyma-”

Everyone snickered as Ed corrected him,

“It’s Edward Nygma...Just call me Ed.”

“....The very cool ass hoe here known as Yedward Nyma.” The priest flicked through the cue cards,

“Man, Woman, Rappers, Dancers, Singers, Strippers, I am here to bring these two love shits together, Yes, that is why I am here. So, if anyone has anything to say against this marriage, kindly get the fuck out cause we don’t need your pessimism here brosis.” 

Barbara had to cover her face with her hands to stifle her laughter.

“Ain’t nobody? All’s good? Okay, here we go! So, do you, black haired pale vampire looking Oswald Cobblepot, take the smart ass twilight embarrassment, Edward Nygma, to be the tweedledee to your tweedledum bound in matrimony?” Trying to ignore the weird ass vows, Oswald answered,

“Hell yes.”

The priest smiled, “And do you, ma home boy nelly fry Edward Nygma, take this texican Oswald Cobblepot to be stuck with you until the day you get frustrated with the filth in the backyard?” The couple looked at him questioningly.

“Umm...yeah, I do” Ed answered.

“Where is your legal gaurdian young man, or to translate in Arabic; Who be dumb enough to give someone as bootylicious as you to someone equally bootylicious this late?” The couple’s eyes widened and they shifted slightly farther from the alter.

“Ok, Oswald, repeat after me; I, Oswald, take the awesometastic Edward, to be my husband in all things important to the goddess Hera. I promise to love, care and kick his ass if he steals my cat, but more importantly to give Barbara and Dave Strider all my apple juice whenever Ed hits me with a frying pan.”

Oswald looked quite confused as he repeated the Priest’s words perfectly.

The Priest smiled in satisfaction.

“And Ed; I, Edward, take Oswald to be the Peanut butter to my jelly in all things that no one really understands except Tabitha and Butch. I promise to love, care and shake my head at every one of his screw ups- and there will be a lot.”

Ed repeated the vow as Oswald pouted at the last statement.

The Priest grinned happily, “Consider it freaking matrimonial with these badass rings!”

The girl named Selina came up to them with two rings placed on a royal looking red pillow. Oswald and Edward each took one, putting it on the other’s finger.

“You may now sloppily make out with each other the way you have been fantisizing this whole damn ceremony”.

Ed picked up Oswald spinning him around and planting a kiss on his lips.

“Or you could do that…” The Priest chuckled as the whole hall erupted in cheers. Sighing at the love birds, the Priest named Bruce Wayne, walked down the altar towards the side exit. But before anyone could leave or get too excited, a shout was heard.

“WAIT!” Everyone stopped and stared at the person, Jerome Valeska, who was wearing an Arkham Asylum uniform.

“Yes, Jerome?” Ed questioned, confused.

“I wanna get married too!” He exclaimed.

“To who?” Jonathan asked him, highly concerned for his best friend’s sanity. Jerome got up and walked towards the Priest -Bruce- and picked him up bridal style before walking out the door, leaving everyone in the hall very confused.

**Jerome & Bruce**

Why the married couple had adopted the 16 year old priest, no one will ever understand.

But now, this special day marked Bruce’s wedding with Jerome. Bruce was the priest for his (new) parents wedding, and now that he was getting married, Ed took it upon himself to become the priest for his son’s wedding. They were in the same hall with the same people, except now at the altar stood Jerome in a fancy suit, Bruce in a white sweater and a black skirt, and Ed the Priest wearing a priest’s outfit, a snapback, sunglasses, and a ‘$’ sign necklace. Now it was his turn to hold the leather Book Of Shadows and cue cards.

As everyone settled down, Ed began,

“Men, Women, Brosis, Girlsis, Nemesis, We have gathered here today, to one, watch the hilarity that is Harvey with the fondue stand, and two, to see these two idjits finally get bound in Matrimony. So if, Selina, you could bring the holy rope of Matrimony, that would be great.” 

Selina, now dressed as an assassin, brought forth the rope of Matrimony. Jerome was staring at the red rope with bored eyes as Bruce stared at it with curiosity. Ed nodded in thanks and proceeded to wrap the couple up with the rope, making Bruce blush at the closeness and Jerome smile smugly as he could feel the other against him.

“Okay, wedding’s over, you can leave.” Ed walked off the altar and out the side door, everyone staring at the retreating figure in confusion. He walked back in a minute later with a bottle of alcohol in his hand.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t be outdone by my tool of a son.”

Bruce was offended, whilst Jim and Harvey tried to hide their laughter. Ed untied the couple, who were honestly disappointed he did.

“So the real reason y’all came here today is to see these two amazing yet terrible yet amazing people wed so that their absolute adorableness is actually legal in public.” 

Snickers were heard from Oswald and Barbara.

“Let's get this rainbow rumpus party started!” Somewhere, Theo Galavan was cackling in delight. 

“We have all been dragged here today to watch Bruce Nygma-Wayne, yes he took my surname,” Ed stuck his tongue out at Oswald who glared at him in turn, “and Jerome Valeska make gushy faces at each other, so if anyone says anything against this marriage, you are CRAY CRAY, I hate you, and get the hell out of this church hall thingy.”

He waited a minute.

“Nope? Nada? Zich? Good...Now, Do you, Brucie m’boy, take Jerome to be your husband for all the rest of your days no matter how many hair pulling moments there may be?”

Bruce smiled brightly, “Yes!!”

Ed smiled a fatherly smile, “And do you, Jerome, take Bruce to be your lawfully wedded wifu?-” Bruce glared at him, “Do you promise to love, care for, surrender your share of the covers, and give up the power of your games to pay attention to him for the rest of your days?” 

Jerome gulped as he felt Ed glare at him through his shades, “Yes, I do.”

“Now Bruce, repeat after me; I, Bruce, take you, Jerome to be my lawfully wedded spouse, I will love you, and tolerate you from this day forth, in man-cold and pan smacking, In stacks of vintage marvel figurines and countless rentals of Fifty Shades of Grey, with minimal amount of eye rolling. I promise not to erase your tv show recordings or complain about you leaving your stuff all over the house. I will cherish you and respect you, and try not to annoy you too much. Until death do us apart.”

Bruce perfectly repeated the lines.

“And I, Jerome, promise to love you as much as I love my knives and probably more than that. I will not hold your poor fashion sense against you. From this day forth I will make sure your clothes are washed after every bang, and will kill everyone who hates you. I will love you for richer or for poorer as long as our credit card limit stays high.”

Jerome repeated after Ed.

“And if the rings of ringy-ness could be brought forth at this time.” Selina brought the rings on top of a cake. Jerome and Bruce took the rings, sliding it on each other’s fingers.

“I now declare you Captain and First Mate. You may now kiss the bride.” Everyone clapped as the couple kissed. Scratch that. Made out; they were wrapped tightly in each other's arms, and were shamelessly feeling each other up during very heated kiss.

The two were ripped apart by an unimpressed Oswald, “He said kiss, not shove your tongue down our son’s throat.” 

Everyone laughed. Ed stared at his amusing husband lovingly.

“Hey, Jim?” Barbara nudged the latter.

“What is it?”

**“Wanna get married?”**

**Jim & Barbara**

The day had finally arrived, Jim and Barbara’s wedding day. Both of them were dressed in matching panda onesies, and the Priest, Oswald, was wearing a unicorn onesie drenched in sparkles. The hall was the same one again but now there were butterflies and birds painted on the wall...really pretty butterflies and birds. The three stood at the altar, a very sparkly cross hanging from Oswald’s neck, and in his hands was the satanic bible. Jerome, Bruce, Ed and Harvey were sitting at the front of the audience looking proud as ever, the audience being people none of them knew, except for Butch, Tabitha, Victor, and Fish who were _very great_ friends of the others. 

As the hall grew quiet, Oswald began,

“Midgets, Homedawgs, Dwarves, Ma homies, We have gathered here today to observe the ritual called a wedding, a ritual to bring two love puppies together so they can grow up, do the do, and make more love puppies. Selina, if you could bring the sparkles of Matrimony that would be wonderful.” 

Selina, now dressed as a very sparkly mermaid, brought forth a basket full of sparkles, throwing the contents onto the two love birds while singing Never Gonna Give You Up (queue Ed’s groans of annoyance towards the song). Jim and Barbara stared at the girl questioningly, but not questioning her at all.

“So, children! It is time for us to begin this god forsaken party!” Oswald continued with his priesting, pausing for a second to turn around before pulling out a gold skull chain from the coffin that lay right there. Before he closed the lid shut, Barbara swore she saw the withered body that looked quite like the girl that was trying to hit on Ed the day before.

“Okay so, We have all gathered here, in this hall, on this day, of this week, of this month, of this year, to celebrate Amelia’s 4th birthd- wait i think these are the wrong cue cards, gimme a sec.” Oswald shuffled through the cards that were laying on his satanic bible.

“Ah here...so we, gather, hall, year...to celebrate James Gordon and Barbara Kean...wait, your name is James??” Oswald looked at the other man questioningly, who nodded slowly in response.

“Damn, all this time I thought your first name was Jim...continuing on, and Barbara Kean’s marriage. This is a very important day for them so if any of you have anything against this marriage I advise you to stay quiet or else you’ll be replacing the body in the casket behind me.” Oswald waited.

“Isn’t it a coffin?” Bruce asked.

“Casket is a fancier word for it.” Ed replied, and Oswald continued with his priesting,

“Okay, no one has anything else to say? Nada? Aight, Jim- I mean James...James Gordon, Do you, my extreme home dawg, actual dog, actual puppy, take Barbara to be your wife, for the rest of your days and years and lives even if it means stripping every night?”

Jim squinted at Barbara, hoping that wasn’t true. The latter gave him an innocent look.

“I do.”

“Great, and do you Barbara, take James to be your happily wedded husbandos no matter how many cheese sticks there will be around the house?”

Barbara nodded, “I do.”

“That’s wonderous! Jim, repeat after me; I, James, take you, Barbara, to be the ship to my sea, the night sky to my stars, the Ed to my Oswald, the socks to my Jerome. I vow to love you and tolerate your filth from this day to my last. I vow to never question your screams and abide to your every needs, even if it’s just killing the spider in our bedroom. I will cherish your stupidity and love you through my dark times of transfiguration. Until death do us apart.” Oswald stared at Jim through his lensless glasses, god knows where he pulled out from and when.

Jim nodded and repeated the words, staring at Barbara the whole time making the latter smirk and wink.

“Now, Barbara repeat after me; I, Barbara, promise to love you more than you love apples and as much as I love my beautiful horseshoes. From this day to your last I will make sure to wash your clothes and your annoying ass hair til my filth has vanished. I will love you for richer and darker times, as long as we’re allowed to keep my horse. Until Death Do Us Apart.”

Barbara sent a glare to Oswald who was too busy staring at Ed before she repeated the words.

“And now Selina, could you please bring for the rings of death… I mean love, rings of love.” Oswald chuckled darkly. 

Selina brought forth the rings on top of a unicorn plushie. Jim and Barbara took the rings and slid it on each other’s fingers.

“I now declare you Potato and Tomato, You may now kiss the groom.” 

Everyone clapped as the Barbara grabbed Jim by the collar and started to make out with him, while Oswald started chaining up the casket.

“You know Butch, you and Tabitha should get married.” Ed said to the couple who were feeding each other pudding.

**“That’s a great idea!” Butch shouted.**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all liked this!!! I don't mind if no one comments or likes, as long as I made you smile my work here is done XD   
> Stay Safe ~Rune


End file.
